Oh What Tangled Webs

It’s been awhile since I blogged simply because life has had me so locked up, I have had such little time to do anything other than day to day family sort of things.

We’ve been waiting since Oct to hear from the Indian Res about C’s job. First the background was supposed to take 3 weeks and he would be on force working. Well background apparently took 3 months and in Dec we were told second week in Jan to go to training. THEN the Academy didn’t have room and cancelled the two guys scheduled to go. SO then we were told last week in Jan C would begin work. After talking to the job organizers, we found they were still waiting for Dr. reports.  We call Dr. office and ask for the report to be sent asap. Fast forward to this week (almost 2nd week in Feb.) We have been told they haven’t received the Dr. reports STILL (almost two weeks later), and calls aren’t being returned from a “friend” who was the coordinator for this job. It’s all getting very stressful and the anxiety is compounding around here. I try not to press C to find out something everyday but it’s very difficult for me to contain my stress and anxiety. The amount of money I bring in working is not adequate for us to pay all of our bills and I am ashamed to say some bills are behind and credit cards are maxed out.

Now, we have received a letter from VA for C saying his benefits are being reduced from 90% to 70%. Doesn’t sound like much? $700 less a month we will receive. Yikes. On top of that he had a Dr appt with our family physician to work on these forms and she has left the practice.  Being the only Dr we know and trust here, its just another straw on the camels back.

Let’s top all this off with coming home from seeing family with a carload of people, chickens in our horse trailer and a wreck locking up the freeway (luckily we were not involved) turned a 3.5 hour trip into 9 hours and a LLLOOONNNNGGG snowy detour.  I was in the process of getting sick at this time.. My daughter Boo picked up my “plague” the night before we came home but limited to coughing and fever. However, on this trip home Baby Bug, and Kiwi BOTH begin coughing, running a fever and PUKING!! Lucky for me, I carry barf bags in my cars. Unlucky for me, all bags were used by hour 6 in the trip.  A very nice worker at the AG station the second time we were turned around gave me some of their trash bags and saved us for the last few miserable hours.  I was fortunate to have good friends, and my husband was driving so I could focus on kids and not being too stressed. Thankfully, we all got home safely from that mess.

So now going on a week not only have I been sick, I have 4 sick kids. My boss in undoubtably pissed at me for being out all week, but really what am I supposed to do? Running a 100+ degree fever, no voice, nauseous, the poops, muscle aches, and a nasty productive cough I am supposed to answer phones and greet customers? With two owners in the office over 80?  I am thinking not the best idea ever.                                                 I can say my husband has really stepped up, more than I ever expected him to.  He has attended to everyone’s needs and whims. Kept  us full of fluids, and meds, fixed all meals we needed. In all honesty, we don’t always get along or had the best relationship but I will sing his praises to the highest powers for how good he has been this entire week.

I am hoping as we begin a new week we will get some much needed good news and some of our stress will be relieved.

Quote of the Day: i vai passar (I will get through)

Parenting is hard. Like really hard.

One of the things that annoys me most about other parents is the empty threats. I once observed a child swinging gleefully around posts that held up a rope to form a line. This lady repeatedly told her son to stop. Then she started counting. She told him she would spank him if she got to 5. She got to 5 and nothing. Then if she got to 5 AGAIN he wouldn’t be getting his happy meal. She counted sssllloooowwwllyyy to 5 (in the amount of time she could have counted to 10), the child continued to swing and guess what he got his happy meal. My head almost exploded. 

I have gotten scathing looks from people when I follow through with my threats and busted my kids butt for misbehaving, or when one of them is doing something they’ve been told not to do and my husband or myself flicks them in the forehead to get their attention. No one ever says anything but the dirty looks are abundant. I have also had parents congradulate me or give me words of support for teaching my child how to behave in public. I am a firm believer in just because I love, enjoy or think my kids are cute doesn’t mean everyone does..

I don’t let my kids make annoying noises repeatedly, I don’t let them run up and down aisles of stores, I don’t let them touch everything their heart desires, I don’t let them take toys that make a bunch of noise in public places, I don’t let them stand on bench seats in resteraunts, I damn sure don’t let them disturb other people.  Not everyone enjoys children and I respect that wholeheartedly. I will do my best to make my children behave even if I have to suffer a little because of it. 

Yesterday my family spent the day cleaning the house. A couple weeks ago I found my children’s play room in such disarray with toys in the wrong places, books everywhere, and even socks in toy boxes. I dumped everything all over the floor and forbid anyone to go in and play with any toys until it was cleaned. Yesterday I had enough. I told them they would not be doing anything except using the bathroom, and eating meals until it was done. This included sleep. My kids somehow thought I would give in and let them go to sleep, so they dawdled, messed around, and asked at 8:30 (bedtime) if I wanted them to brush their teeth and go to bed. I asked if the playroom was clean, they said no, and I repeated that they would be staying awake until it was done. I get up at 6:20 to be at work by 7. I was awake until 11:30 to see my threat through, not only was I up my kids were awake until 11:30 when the room was cleaned. I checked on them every 1/2 hour from 8:30-11:30 when I sent them to bed. 6.5 hours of sleep is tough. Needless to say I am paying for it at work now on my 3rd cup of coffee and would adore a nap. But I saw my threat through and that makes me feel a sense of satisfaction that my kids learned not to mess with MOM!

Quote of the day: “Adulting is hard. Please don’t make me adult today.”

The day the earth stood still.

14 years have come and gone since the Tragedy of the Towers. I was 20 years old at the time. I lived a free and privileged life. I lived at home and worked training horses free-lance for ranches and farms. I was fast asleep that morning (I have NEVER- EVER been a morning person.) when my Mom burst into my room saying something about the U.S was attacked.  Sleepy I rolled out of bed and wandered into her room where the news was showing replays of the plane hitting the first tower. I stood transfixed staring, my sleep fogged brain struggling to understand what exactly was happening. I was watching when the second plane hit.  I saw people scatter like ants when the towers started falling. The smoke, ash, dust congesting the air.

I got dressed and drove my old Ford pickup out to the ranch I worked on. I couldn’t listen to the radio because all that was being broadcasted was the news regarding the Towers. As I saddled horses I heard the radio voices speculating, “Why?”, people crying, conspirators ranting their theories. I listened and rode, came back to saddle and unsaddle. Finally after a couple of hours I had to turn off the barn radio. I couldn’t take anymore. I rode out of the arena, into the small wooded area on the property. I stopped under the canopy of trees and listened. I listened to the breeze blowing through the branches, the birds chirping, horses neighing in the distance, a steer bawling by the arena. I sat and just listened. I scanned the sky for planes, and tried to hear any noise that would alert me to a possible tragedy occurring in Madera, CA. I felt my horse shift under me, and willed my body to feel anything that might tell me the mare sensed something I couldn’t. There was nothing. My mare breathed a huge sigh and shifted again impatiently.

That night the entire country had a collective case of insomnia. Huddled in fear wondering not if but when another attack would occur. People missed worked, children were kept safely in their homes instead of in school. The entire country lost their minds, and for good reason. We were the USA, we were invincible, the strongest country in the world, scared of nothing and nobody; until that morning on Sept 11, 2001.

We became frightened, overly cautious and scared. Nothing like this had ever happened, no one knew what to do. Suddenly we weren’t safe at home anymore. Suddenly bad things that happened in other places, were happening to us.

Slowly but surely the fear gave way to anger. That anger united us as a whole. Anger is a very powerful driving emotion. 14 years later we are still angry.  We lost 2,977 American lives to that event. Not counting the Men and Women who have fought and are still fighting the war on terrorism.

Today is a day for remembering those we have lost. Today is a day for holding your loved ones a little tighter, appreciating those we have in our lives, savoring the things we love because you never know when you can’t hug someone, have something or do something anymore. Danger and terror are all around us but we shouldn’t live in fear of it, instead we should press on and live. Live and enjoy the moments we are fortunate enough to have left on this Earth.

Thought of the Day: It is during out darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” Aristotle

He who pulls the strings…

I know it’s been a minute since I posted..

These last few weeks have brought some exciting and devestating changes into our family.

August 13, I went to the Dr to have my shoulder xrayed. I didn’t get my shoulder xrayed but walked out finding I was pregnant. I was shocked and extremely happy! My husband was stunned and laughed like a crazy person when the Dr told us.                                                          We joyously told family, friends but something told me to wait on telling our kids. I had some concerns so after talking to my favorite, “pregnancy/baby professional” friend she suggested I asked Dr to order some bloodwork. Progesterone was low and HCG was not where it should have been. I insisted to the OB that I had valid concerns and she ordered a 48 hour HCG and an ultrasound.                                       That day, August 21 I found I had an etopic pregnancy (a pregnancy which grows in the Fallopian tube rather than the uterus). Dr gave me options of taking a medication they used in cancer patients to kill rapidly growing cells, after a discussion about my Lupus we deemed this wasn’t a good option health wise; and I was directly admitted to the hospital.                               45 minutes in the hospital and I found myself whisked away to surgery. My husband who had dropped me off to go attend to the kiddos got a hasty text, “Going into surgery. Love you.”.

About 11pm I was taken back to my room to find my husband waiting for me. I had an allergic reaction and was itchy and very uncomfortable. I wasn’t really “feeling” anything at the time.                                        I was released Sat afternoon. 

Since I have had to be idle and not do my “normal” things and working like normal 7-4 at my job and then training horses after work, making dinners, working around the farm. The emotions have been fierce.  Anger, sadness, failure, disbelief, depression. They have all been partying in my head. I felt blank and empty. Crying myself to sleep, raging at the kids at the slightest thing. My patience and agitation have gone out the window. 

Throughout all this I have an incredible group of friends who have rallied to support me, and shared their own private stories of loss. I am touched deeply as they open up and let me know I am not alone. A friend, who I admit I don’t know as well as I should, stopped by to chat and give my family 3 home raised and processed chickens.  I was so taken back and touched that she would give to me the way she provides food for her family I cried when she left.  Those 3, 8 lb chickens were more beautiful than any flower anyone could have given me! I can’t explain how I arrive at that logic but it makes me happy that I have someone wanting to care for me and my family!

Anyone going through a similar situation. YOU are not to blame! YOU didn’t do anything wrong and there is nothing you could  have done differently.                          It is ok to feel loss, anger, fear, sadness and depressed. Let your body grieve and embrace it. Cry it out, scream it out, take time to yourself if you need to. 

Friends of people going through this.          Express your sympathies, be a shoulder to cry on, listen to your friend or family member rant with a sympathetic ear. DO NOT try to downplay the situation. Be supportive but not critical.

Quote of the day: Sometimes it’s hard to see the rainbow when there’s been endless days of rain.

Brokek

I am fractured. Broken.
Coming apart at my seams, the fragile ties of my sanity are coming undone.
Slowly unraveling letting the soft tender flesh be exposed.
It leaves me vulnerable and open to attack.
Awkward. Defective. Disposable.     Screaming echoes in my mind.
Tears overflow my heavy eye lids
Choking me, bubbling up feelings I don’t want to feel.
I try to hold it back, suck it up, be silent, be strong, don’t be weak, bite my lip and fight it.
I feel like I’m drowning, like I can’t keep my head above water.
Wave after wave of hurt, anger, outrage, and sadness wash over me in an unrelenting torment.
The whirlpool threatens to pull me down to the bottom and pin me in the depths of despair.
My stomachs churns and pitches against the tide.
Searing and twisting the imaginary knife that impales me.
My mind runs blindly through the forest of thought, babbling like a child, whispering secrets is long forgotten.
Creating more doubt and uncertainty to add to the growing pile of raw emotion.
Heart is racing, anxiety mounting, feel like I’m suffocating.
Walls closing in and the surprisingly cool room is suddenly stifling.                                  The air is hot and stifling, strangling me with its thickness.
Legs tingle numbly and the dark pit in me grows out of control and rages.
Can’t keep running this way, it hurts and burns me.
Those burns leave deep and thick scars that pulse painfully with each cruel word spoken from lips that claim love.                   Teetering dangerously close to the edge of a cliff with a endless drop.                            Looking over the edge into the blackness leaning out and wanting it to fall to have it consume me and make me feel some quiet and peace.
I turn myself inside out again and again, twisting and writhing, examining every angle.                                                Criticizing, poking and prodding every weakness, staring at it under a magnifying glass.
I just want the fog to clear, the hurt to stop, to see focused and clear.                           The gentle embrace of love to save me from myself.
I will be my own undoing.
It’s true what PInk says, ” I’m a hazard to myself, I’m my own worst enemy. Don’t let me get me.”

Who played God?

So while cruising Pintrest (my favie late night guilty pleasure next to Cheeto Puffs) I kept seeing pins for Age Appropriate Chores. Is the universe trying to give me a hint? Who played God and decided what is or is not age appropriate? I was 8 and when I was in 4h I didn’t have a horse to ride and show so our club had horses we used. To be able to ride we had to clean 3 stalls at least a couple times a week. This meant in the rain, in the heat, in the cold and hail we were out there. Most times my mom took pity on all 80 lbs of me and helped (Thanks Mom!) Yes, my kids clean stalls. Yes my kids clean their own bathroom and do dusting and vacuuming, taking out the trash, etc.

Here’s my kids break down. Boo (10) feeds and waters horses morning and night. LC (11) feed and waters chickens morning and night. Kiwi (not quite 8) feeds and waters dogs morning and night. This is in addition to each of them having one chore that SHOULD take no more than 15 minutes but they can drag it out a good hour + sometimes.                                                This does not include cleaning rooms or putting away their own laundry which hey do whenever it is needed.Also twice a month they have to clean their chicken pens and coops because the show birds are theirs and they need to exercise responsibility.                                                Before you ask, No my kids do not receive an allowance. They do chores because they live in this house and contribute to the mess, and if they want the animals then they will help care for them.                                                        We reward them by dinners out, going to movies now and then, going to the lake or family outing, going to 4h shows, renting movies, having favorite dinners, dessert nights. They get new toys and clothes on birthdays and other appropriate holidays.

I had a reward system I am going to reinstate. My kids have mason jars they decorated with stickers and if they do their chores and everything with no problem they get a gold coin (fake plastic pirate booty you find at party stores) in their jar. Anything hat breaks the house rules that they agreed to and signed will result in the reduction of coins. My friend has a system where if they take or do something to someone else in the house that person get the coin a concept which I love.                                    What I need to figure out is a prize or reward system. For example 5 coins = Picking candy at the store. 10= redbox movie. 20 = chore pass. Etc. I haven’t hammered out the details but I want to start this again soon to keep up morale and institute the idea of saving. With my friend’s system she uses marbles and each marble is worth 50 cents. Kids can save towards something they really want and they have sort of a credit system (one girl wants an iPad mini and if she saves her marbles to come up with so much of the price she can use that as a down payment for mom and dad to cover the rest) they are a larger family than us (we’re 6 they are 7 going on 8) and they make this work. I really need to sit down with the other half to figure this out and make it concrete. Any suggestions or thoughts.

Quote of the day: ” Come to the edge” He said. They said, ” We are afraid”. “Come to the edge” He said. They came, He pushed them, and they flew.

Today…..

I know I know it’s been a while.  I have decided to take a leave of absence from the veterinary world. The drama of the last few places I worked has left me rung out, passionless, and anxious about working somewhere with drama. Let’s face it you get enough women working in a small space there is going to be drama!

I have taken a reception position with a long time friend of my family working at a forklift shop. There is no drama, I work 7-4, and it’s quiet- which I revel in, and I have weekends off to spend with my family. True the pay is less but I haven’t taken a Xanax in weeks!

I have still being using sleep helpers. While I do have a rx for them, I have been taking over the counter meds to help me fall asleep and stay asleep. Mostly because I have a busy mind; I can be dead on my feet tired, get in bed and my mind lights up like a freaking neon sign. Things I haven’t thought up in months or years and suddenly my brain is convinced it is of the utmost inportance. Or even worse the chorus of some song (usually one I hate) gets stuck on repeat at full volume melding at different speeds. It’s the most annoying, and nerve rattling thing ever, really more like torture than anything. Imagine a radio you can’t turn off.

While a new job has simplified my life somewhat, I’m still busy as anything. I may get off work at 4 but then it’s horses to ride, double checking the kids got their chores done, doing laundry, cooking dinner, checking on animals, doing random puddly things around the house, making sure everyone gets showers done and nighttime routines done. Usually I don’t sit down until 7:30/8:00. Watch a tv show or two and off to bed for me.                                               Now with school starting tomorrow, let’s add homework into the mix and nightly reading. Oy Vey!                                                         I am not glad for the extras I’m going to face, I am definitely opposed to having a 6th, 5th and 3rd grader. Next year ill be worse with junior high.. ugh! All you parents out there get ready for the 2015/2016 school year, relish your days without small people asking for a million things, hearing,”Mom” 5 million times in an afternoon, and most of all being able to watch a program undisturbed. Most of all relish that we are educating a new generation, one that will have a future president, lawyer, scientist, astronaut,etc. Raise your children to be productive members of society and to be the type of adults you will be proud of. My favorite motto I instill in my children, ” Whats right isn’t always popular and what’s popular isn’t always right.”

BOOM. -drops mic.-

Definitions

Recent changes in my life have opened my eyes to seeing how people are.

I lost my job on tues, due to a allergenic reaction I sustained potentially from a cat scratch I recieved at work.  The veterinarian I worked for that I percieved as a fair, and easy to work for person; decided this one time reaction was a liability. I was offered a demotion from Licensed Veterinary Technician to reception and was to receive a $6 pay cut. I truely believe because they couldn’t come out and fire me for being sick with a doctors note, they offered this insulting demotion.

I admit I wasn’t popular there and one “lady” who had been there a while told me flat out, ” You don’t deserve my respect.”. I could have taken this as a direct insult to my person. Instead I chose to feel sorry for her. What kind of person is so jaded, and so opposed to change that they treat people so poorly. I honestly believe that you don’t have to be friends with people you work with but you should at least work as a team comfortably and safely.

I am reminding myself day by day that the actions and opinions of people who are outside my general circle of family and friends do not know me, and their opinions do not matter and make me who I am.

My favorite quote is,”Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter.”.                                         These words I instill on my children, remind myself in day to day life; because simply no truer words have been spoken.

Going Home

So after a week childless this is the first night my complete family is back at HOME. My house felt like a empty shell without the echoes of arguing, yelling, tromping up and down stairs, the “Mom can I’s?, the tattling. It seemed so open and lonely. The two youngest kids (3 & 7) spent the week in Grandma and Grandpa land. The older two (11 & 10) were at 4H camp for a WHOLE week.

While this was a welcome break for my husband and I; we were able to watch movies and TV shows without interruption, eat whatever horrible junk food without sharing, not cook AT ALL, walk around with as little clothes as we wished; it was also WORK! After my husband and I came home from our “jobs” there was horses and chicken waters to check, chickens to feed, stalls to clean, dogs and cats to feed, laundry to catch up on. Doesn’t seem like too much except this was all after a FULL work day. All those chores my kids usually do now fell on mine and my very tired husband shoulders.

We drove out to get the olders from Camp Saturday morning and continued a 3 hour drive to Grandma’s house to pick up the littles. We went straight to my Grandmas’ house  and made my entire family a huge dinner of Steak, Hamburgers, Grilled Asparagus, and Corn on the Cob. AN 11 PERSON FEAST! However, fixing steak from Rare to Medium  for 7 picky and opinionated people is NO easy task let me assure you! We spent the evening laughing and reminiscing with my Grandmother’s, husband, best friend, and my Mom and Dad. I went to bed with memories that were so fresh in my mind they could have happened yesterday, and the comfort of being in the house i spent so much time.

There is something completely blissful about enjoying the company of your elders as an adult. Being in a house where a lifetime of memories whisper around every turn; that time I slipped and put my arm through the front plate glass window, the lawn where I spent my childhood doing Easter Egg Hunts and now my kids do too, what I dubbed as “my room” now I put my boys to bed when we stay there, the 4 chair kitchen table where I ate so many meals now is where my kid’s sit to eat meals. AHHH and the smell of my Grandmothers house!! No matter what I do I cannot recreate that sublime and relaxing scent and I have tried.

Home is many places to many people. Home to me is where the people I love live their lives. I have MY home with my husband, kids, and animals. Then there is Home where my Mom and Dad live, where they brought me home from the hospital in 1980. My other home is my Grandmother’s home where I spent every holiday as a child, I stayed many nights when my Mom was on business trips, barely two miles from my childhood house. Home is where there heart is. That is a true quote, as my heart lies in those 3 places, with the people I love most.

Driving home with my kids in our Ford F250 truck just made the day and now my HOME is again is filled with noise, chaos, life and is complete. For all the yelling, arguing, craziness; I wouldn’t have it any other way… Goodnight world.

Welcome to MY world

I was inspired to start this blog based on my day to day adventures as a 34 year old Full Time Licensed Veterinary Technician, a married full time Mom of 4, a gardener & farmer(kinda), a cowgirl, and my love to write (which I have missed horribly).        There will be cursing, complaining, sad moments, happy moments, embarrassing moments, and in general most posts will be whatever is happening in MY world.

A little about me:

1. My life is a fairly busy, complicated crazy mess.
2. I thrive on chaos but loathe it as well.
3. I am an honest person who isn’t nice enough to lie.
4. I am a loyal protector to my friends, family, and animals.
5. I am a bit of an oxymoron, i.e. Vet tech but likes to hunt and fish.
6. I used to be 202lbs and thanks to weight loss surgery I am 132 now.
7. Even though 3 of my kids aren’t mine biologically, they have been MINE for 4 years.
8. My husband says I am as delicate as a hurricane.My mom disagrees and says I am more like a cactus.
9. I have Aspergers Syndrome.
10. I have a passion for animals and feel more at ease with them than humans.

Anything else you wanna know? Feel Free To Ask. I am an open book, why else would I put my life online?